My insides break, struggling for an escape. There no door, what is it I am longing for?
A new lease, a new life, a new feeling where everything happening doesn’t just feel like a roll of the dice.
A day to day bell rings, with many things misleading.
I am cast alone, vast within in my hole. My loneliness dripping down the walls of this empty home.
I close my eyes and long for another day, where the ending may not again be the same.
Curled up in my ball of absorption, waiting for the sun to rise.
What is it I want? What am I doing here? Where am I?
Is there a wrong and right? Is there a voice of truth inside?
With gentle whispers in my mind, I sit with the ache. I make it a broken friend that just needs my love. You are not wrong for existing my friend, I just don’t know how to make amends.
Do I push? Do I try to change the outcome? Or do I surrender to what is and just give it up?
As I sit here contemplating….this feeling of rotting from the inside out, or a destined path, falling into deep self-discovery…..
Maybe I am just accepting my slow hypothetical identity death. The death of these dry unwatered plants from lack of nurture, lack of touch.
I just wanted to be looked at and loved….
Am I just too much? Too much this and that?
Surely I am enough just as I am. Isn’t that the point?
Looking back, would I ever think that one of my biggest struggles in life would become loneliness? That I would be sitting here with my knees up to my chest, just staring at the pen in my hand, being soothed by the constant rhythmic tap, as I absent mindedly gaze into the distance reflecting on this feeling….
But there is no urge in me to try…no urge in me to make a difference….
I just want to give in, take the easy way out, surrender and relax to whatever fate has planned for me….
The loneliness has won, and that is okay. It is my friend now. It makes me feel special in its own narcissistic way.
I am unique. A lone wolf. I do not belong. With loneliness at my friend, I am strong…..
Or so I say…..
Until another day….
© INFJ 5/8/2017