When you have walked through the inner fire that burns against all the walls and illusions of security held within your being. When you have faced your own inner hell. When you have been broken down time and time again, and most often by your own mind. When you have literally felt you were going insane. When you have literally wanted to die at the seeming insanity inside your own mind. The heavy duty footprints of doubt and pain, each becomes a marker on your soul.
When you were drowning in the infinite pit of misery. When you have been swallowed and succumbed to the ripping pain of your being, for there was no other way. There was no escape from the engulfing pain of not knowing who you are or who you’re supposed to be. When you have no idea what it means to be yourself. When you’re being so hard on yourself to work all this out. When you naturally invalidate yourself, as this is all you know. You have no idea that there is another way. You feel fragmented. No sense of self. No sense of purpose. Everything just seems pointless.
On top of all that, you faced all this ALONE. No friends or family who got it. And if you did open up even to someone, even just on-line, there was only ever contradictory and dualistic advice from all sides. You were trying to grasp onto flimsy straws, to anything that might give you a sense of reality and your place in it. No longer knowing what is real. The more you tried to stay afloat, the more you sunk.
Sometimes, all you wanted to do was sink. At least that would be peaceful. No more trying and doing. No more dragging yourself along. You could just give up and let go and succumb….But no-no, you can’t do that! That’s not what you’re supposed to do now is it? That not what we are told is the right and best way to deal with things is it? We have to be ‘strong’. We have to stand up and fight. We must persevere and keep going!
So you try, ohh god, you try. You keep going, keep pushing, keep fighting, striving and soldiering on. Keep trying to just ‘do’ life as best you can. But then things become even more intense, even more heavy, even more confusing. Its gets harder and harder. The urge to just drop and give up, becomes too much. In the end, something has to give. Finally, you break and think, FUCK IT! I DON’T CARE ANYMORE what anyone else thinks I should or shouldn’t do, this is all just too much. I just want peace…I just don’t want to TRY anymore….
And when you finally ‘give it up’, when you finally surrender, when you finally tell yourself that it REALLY is OKAY to just sink, that it really is okay to not know who you are or where you’re going. That is really is okay to just ‘give-up’ and fall into the pit of unknowingness. When you finally allow yourself to just surrender into the empty void of life, you discover something….You discover that you don’t sink, you FLOAT. You discover that there is NOTHING to work out. There is nowhere to get to within yourself. There is no one you ‘should’ be. You just ARE. LIFE JUST IS. You are fine just as you are and always will be….There are no rules to life at all….
You faced a true inner hell. You faced all your fears and all the conditioning of the earthly plane that many can never even comprehend. It would never be understood unless it was experienced. They call it the dark night of the soul.
You discovered what it means to love and accept yourself. ALL of yourself. And you didn’t just accept yourself once you felt better, as you realise, there is no permanent place of ‘betterness’. It is all a cycle. You loved yourself THERE, in the darkest corners of your soul. And you realise you haven’t changed at all. All you have done is learn to love and accept more of yourself just as you are and always were and will be. There is no ‘ideal’ to get too. There is no ‘awakened’ place to reach, except the awakening of realising as such. You have discovered the paradox.
And there was no one around to confirm or validate that this was the right thing to do, or how to do it. You had to learn to only validate yourself and trust that the universe has your back.
Fuck anyone’s idea of who they think you ‘should’ BE. Fuck some ‘IDEAL’ image.
This journey was meant to rip you into NOTHINGness. It was meant to make you a shadow of your former self, naked and exposed, scared of being alive, so that you could become almost a blank slate again. All of the outer and inner conditioning being ripped apart from the illusionary walls.
Now, now you are here. The pain was all worth it. Feeling yourself, validating yourself. Learning that ALL that you feel is OKAY. You are entitled to it. You can make mistakes, you are not perfect. But you finally realise, you don’t have to be. And with that, you are perfect within your imperfections…..
You are 100% perfect and lovable, JUST AS YOU ARE. You are not here to conform. You are not here to ‘be nice’ or to do the ‘right’ thing. You are here to just BE YOURSELF. Be alive. Explore yourself and the world around you in any way you see fit. Think what you think. Feel what you feel. Be raw and REAL. With your light, AND with your inner shadow, dancing together in the union of wholeness.
You begin feeling empowered in this knowing. Learning to trust in the flow of life. Step by step, emotional and mental challenges arise, that once before, made you doubt yourself and your life, but now, you see them as opportunities from which your soul has called into your experience as another sensation to observe, explore and integrate. All is allowed. All is as it should be.
Find comfort in the VOID. It is your best friend. Your refuge.
You just ARE.
© INFJ 18.6.2017