A meeting and attraction that comes from nowhere and explodes like a bomb in your face. It seduces you with a chemistry and connection that burns through your entire being. Feeling like you truly feel alive for the first time. It consumes you. You never expected it would be like this. It elevates you. It’s ecstasy. Your dancing on the clouds. Everything seems amazing. You feel amazing. You’re lost in a dizziness of exhilaration.
Then it begins to scare you. For that flame continues to burn through the walls you didn’t know you had. It brings forth a vulnerability not experienced before. You question it. You question yourself and them. You become suspicious. But you face it. Deal with it. Decide to risk it. Put your faith in it. You try and grow into more trust with it.
You slowly begin to feel changed. Giving yourself away to something your not even sure what it is. Except that you will trust in it as the path of love. Things continue to bloom, feeling like, YES, this is so good. I’ve made the right choice. This is it.
And then…it begins to go very wrong.
Horrible arguments. Intense emotions. Cruel words. Unforgivable things. Deep crippling emotional pain. You try to make sense of it all. So confusing. Can’t think. Nothing makes sense.
One ends it. You separate. You will NOT tolerate the things they said and did. Trust is shattered. Now you’re doing what’s right for you. You begin feeling happy again. Doing old things you used to enjoy. Starting a new chapter. Feeling strong. Moving on.
Weeks, maybe even months later, suddenly something hits you. Deep sadness. A pulling. A longing. A feeling of them within you. You become annoyed, ”Why is this STILL bothering me?” You tell yourself it’s okay to cry. And cry you do. LOTS. Sometimes even scream. This pain is all consuming. It’s terrifying. Am I ILL? You ask yourself? You then again, question yourself and your sanity.
You look for answers. You discover the term ”Twin-Flame.” Everything suddenly seems to fall into place. Things seem to now make WONDERFUL sense! You’re exhilarated again! You’re not mad!
You begin to look at ways that maybe you could have been more loving, more forgiving, more compassionate and understanding. Even to someone who was cruel. ”They just need my love” you tell yourself. You look at ways, you can react or not react instead, and see it all as a chance for you to grow and develop.
So you reach out, try and reconnect. At first, rejection. It hurts. But you hold on. Your love, trust and sense of purpose in all this, shining more brightly than ever. You’ve got this! Eventually, they seem to come round, open up. You reconcile. It was worth it! YES! You have a blissful few days, maybe even a couple of weeks together. You feel stronger as a partnership for going through all that you did.
And then….it happens again.
No matter what wonderful ideas, theories, solutions and reactions, you had planned, or how much you thought you had grown, it all goes out the window in the midst of what almost appears like a burning duel. Emotions override, and pain swallows everything.
It all becomes completely uncontrollable.
You separate again. And go through a similarly repeating cycle for many years.
Always leaving. Always trying to move on. Telling yourself that you were wrong. That they were NOT your Twin-Flame. Then the pain. Then again re-thinking that you can do better next time. Always reconnecting, re-uniting. Always wonderful. Then AWFUL. You ask yourself, why did I come back to this AGAIN?
It begins to get old. You look at the last number of years of this cycle. You know the unconditional love you experienced for them within. You know the hope you had. The trust you gave. No matter how scared you were. You gave your all. All your heart. All your soul. All your faith and hope. Your innocence.
You see how much your forever changed. How much you’ve grown. How much all this has shaken and rearranged the very core of you. Your beliefs and behaviours. You’ve now learnt to surrender totally. You don’t even react back at them anymore when their angry and cruel and attacking you. You’re tired of it. Sad to see it in them. Don’t wish to fight or defend anymore. There’s no need to.
You look at them and cannot understand how they can still react and respond the same? How? Have they not also grown, changed? You wanted to grow WITH them. Now it seems, when you go back, they are just trying to pull you into the same toxic battles. You can’t do it anymore, you’ve outgrown it.
You’ve awakened and opened spiritually. Become sensitive and emotional. Found inner balance. Taking care of yourself. Beginning to truly love yourself.
You no longer wish to go back. Not to that. You finally realise that there never was anything you could’ve done better about it. You are perfect as you are. They need to discover their own inner peace and love. You cannot help them with that.
You still wish things could’ve been different. Still feel a pull. You cry and grieve. Although not as bad now. For now, I have unconditional love for self within. So now what? You can’t return anymore to that toxic playground. Surrender. To what is, what was and what will be. Live in the moment. Love. Laugh. Cry. Flow. Trust. Honour yourself.
Maybe we were not meant to grow together forever. We feel levels apart now. Although still close within. Maybe your not my Twin-Flame. Maybe a Soul-mate sent to open my heart and change me forever. And that you have. And I thank you for this.
Whatever you are to me, I hope that one day you learn to love yourself as I now love myself. The experience of you has given me this gift.
© INFJ 01/2017