You were my everything. You were energetically joined to me at the soul. You ran through my veins. My movements, thoughts and feelings were all linked to you in some way. We were one. United. Soul tied. I was deeply taken, surrendered. Settled. Content. Only wanted you forever. Wanted to marry, grow old and die with you.
But then, I realised, you were not growing with me. In fact, you seemed to want to control me and hold me back. Blew things out of proportion and could become cruel. Despite knowing this, I loved you unconditionally anyway and remained loyal. I wasn’t ready yet to give up on us. On something that meant so much to me. On something that made me feel so complete within. So at home.
But finally, I see. We were not meant to be. To last. You came into my life to open up my heart. Wake me up, and show me myself. You were a stepping stone. Setting me on the path and vision I now find myself upon. You were a trigger, a catalyst.
It has been quite the journey, letting the idea of us go. Soul splitting. Life-changing. Self-Transformation. And I had no choice in the matter. It was all meant to play out the way it did. All the pain I felt. The emotional distress. The soul trauma. The confusion. The break-down of myself and reality.
Sometimes I just felt numb. Curled up in a ball for hours, staring at the wall. Sometimes not getting out of bed for days. Sometimes I would shout and scream at the top of my lungs and throw and smash things. Sometimes drowning in paranoia and fear. Sometimes seeing no point in life, and feeling that my death one day would at least bring some relief.
Most of the time, not having a clue who I was anymore, or who I was supposed to be. Lost myself completely. Didn’t know if anything I was thinking, feeling and doing was right or wrong. Questioning my every move. Completely lost with no way out of the fog. And so confused, I repeated the same patterns, returning to you over and over.
Slowly and gradually I realised, I was a bit less upset, a bit less afraid. I didn’t question myself so much. I was beginning to have a few moments of emotional rest and express a few smiles enjoying some simple hobbies. There was a few glimmers of sun seeping through the miasma. I was beginning to realise that I was okay as I was, no matter who or what I am.
Maybe wounded, maybe now have scars, but still beautiful. Still unconditionally loved, loving and lovable. Just more sensitive and aware now after all that I’ve been through.
But that has been the gift of all this pain. I am now very intuitive, sensitive, wise, and in tune with myself in ways I could not have imagined before. Being shown conditional love for so long, actually helped show me what unconditional love really is. Now I give this to myself in flourishing abundance.
Now without you, I am finding myself. Having fun and lost in the wonder of discovering this new me that has been reborn like a phoenix. Growing faster every day. Loving and honouring myself. Exploring my self-visions and goals for the future. Enjoying my hobbies. Making new friends. Laughing and dancing. Looking after myself. Becoming healthy. Feeling FREE.
I am so happy now without you. And I did it all on my own.
Occasionally, I still get a trigger. It will pull painfully on my heart strings, and I will feel sad. I will remember my innocence around what I thought you were to me. The hopes I had, and the dreams. How much I believed you loved me. How naive I was to believe for so long. How much inner turmoil I experienced for so long.
I will reach for my teddy and hug it when I feel sad.
But I am growing now. I am changing. Rapidly. It gets easier every day. My balance and peace within, shows me the right choice I have made. One day you will become just a beautiful scar on my heart. The sad story for another to love and cuddle me closer. A distant memory.
I am moving on now.
© INFJ 01/2017